Recently in On The Rag Category

Anthracite patent leather clutch with beading details. When you hear the description it sounds pretty good but just look at this thing, it looks like a dissected sea creature. The scalloped beading detail looks scale-y and scary and the proportions are all wrong with the middle strap awkwardly cutting into the design. I guess it does make sense to have the middle clear of beading for when you're holding it but isn't it the job of the designer to think of these things AND make the bag look good? To be fair, the beading detail is actually really not that bad, it's just the use of it on this bag is all wrong. And the double F cut-out, are you supposed to use it as a handle by threading your fingers through there? I would be tempted to do so because it just looks like a handle but it would make the bag look even stupider with its odd scale. The real shock with this bag is that it is $2370. This is a small bag and there is nothing on there that warrants a big price tag (even with the double F logo, it's more expensive than their B and Spy bags). What gives? At Net a Porter.

Photo courtesy of Style.com

No, I am not disparaging this bag by calling it a joke bag (the disparaging will come shortly) this bag is actually a joke bag. This bag has jokes written all over it. And not funny jokes, either. Oh, no, they are nowhere near funny. These are lame ass jokes your 80 year old sexist uncle tells. Actually, they are jokes by Henny Youngman who is from the 60's. I know this is supposed to be cheeky because of course LV customers are all strong headed bitches and would only want this bag because of how unfunny they are. If you have trouble reading, let me give you a taste: Every time I meet a woman who can cook like my Mother....She looks like my Father. I'm embarrassed to even recite it. And they get worse. Another one: My wife went to the beauty shop and got a mud pack. For two days she looked beautiful. Then the mud fell off. Come on, please! Seriously? I would rather have the lyrics to Wonder Woman on my bag. The logo is designed by artist Richard Prince, who is known for his Jokes series work pertaining to sexual frustrations and middle-class American mentality. Thus the connection. Social statement? Maybe. Fashion statement? Definitely NOT! This bags, which has python trim that brings no redemption whatsoever, will be available at the end of the year but Rodney Dangerfield fans will have gotten them all before you can even say "No thanks".

Left: Michael Kors Right: Jean Paul Gaultier

Michael, you should be ashamed of yourself. Our memories are better than you think, just because this belted bag from Jean Paul Gaultier was from last Fall doesn't mean we wouldn't know where you knocked it off from. This was such a memorable bag, too, because it was so ridiculously hideous! So that brings me to my next point, why the hell would you knock off something so stupid and lame? And a giant brass buckle? Gross, what were you thinking? The general shape of your bag is also very reminiscent of the Muse. Shame shame. I feel bad giving you crap because I just bought a bunch of amazing clothes from you (a tweed jacket that is beyond cute with my purple obsession!!). I love your clothes but you really need help with your bag line, maybe a younger designer and PLEASE no more monograms!! At Net a Porter for $1195.

Halloween is the ugliest holiday. There is no need to decorate your house with spider webs and dead people, it is absolutely disgusting. I saw Martha Stewart today making glitter bones and skulls and she was like, "Isn't this pretty?". Uhhhh, NO!! I don't care if you encrust diamonds on bones and skulls, it will be a waste of diamonds and most definitely not pretty! And that is how I feel about this clutch. I know the Thomas Wylde line is all about the skulls but a giant bad Halloween decorative skull on a clutch is totally uncute and not uncute in a "cool" way either, it is just bad. This skull is totally scary looking and combined with the cracked distressed bronze leather, it just creeps me out. And this is not a small clutch, it is 12.5" x 10" so that skull is at least 2 inches! I guess it is very pirate themed which is popular with the kids, but I don't know any grown woman who would think this is cute or fashionable. But Happy Halloween everyone! At Net a Porter for $1495.

I've been feeling quite a lot of love towards the newly sober and clean cut MJ this season but the Paloma bag (a tribute to Paloma Picasso?) is just not doing it for me. I get the whole '80s color block and Picasso cubism inference but I don't get why it is on such a sloppy looking bag. The stones are definitely interesting if not heavy and would have been a beautiful note on a sleek modern bag. There is just too much going on here, the adjustable shoulder strap with the large grommet studs are totally unnecessary as the bag is probably so heavy you will need two hands to carry it, the multiple pleating on the bag detracts away from the unique disk and stone feature and add the jumbo sized jump rings (probably so the strap doesn't break from the weight of the stones) and you have a very confused bag. Marc Jacobs Paloma Bag $1,875 at Shop Bop

Going on a date with your knight in shining armor? Well, go in matching style with this chain mail clutch! Seriously, why else would you need a chain mail clutch? Michael Kors did a chain mail bag for when you go diving in shark infested waters but this clutch (at 8.75"x 4.25") is hardly big enough for scuba gear . The Kors bag weighs 8 pounds, this clutch is probably lighter but honestly, after a night out you are still going to get carpal tunnel from clutching. Besides, the novelty of chain mail is not enough to make a fashion statement - this bag is just pointless when it comes to style so it's not like you are suffering for the sake of fashion. A good use of chain mail would have been an updated 80's inspired frame clutch with a cute clasp, that would have been subtle and chic. And at $1430, who would bother? Available at eLuxury Dior Boutique.

This is the most interesting clutch I have ever seen! It is totally useless but at least it is a conversation starter. It is shaped like a fan, as you can see, and the rounded part comes together with a zipper and a clip closure that attaches to the ring. But the sides remain slightly open, which can lead to the loss of many a things if you are out drinking and being careless. As a whole this clutch is totally impractical. I am all for looking cool with fabulous accessories but there is a point when fashion can come between you and a good pee. I just came home from seeing a movie and I brought a clutch with me because it is easier to hold a little clutch rather than find an empty seat next to me for my bag (god forbid if my bags ever go on the sticky floor of a theater!) This all worked out great until I had to go to the bathroom. This clutch (which shall remain nameless) did not have a strap so I had no way of hanging it in the stall. I held it while going, which was fine, but when it came time to pulling up my very tight jeans, I needed 2 hands and didn't have a place to put the clutch. I tucked it under my chin and during my struggle with my jeans I was afraid my ostrich clutch was going to fall to the gross bathroom floor! I vowed right then and there to never buy another clutch without straps!! I am even going to look into getting straps put on this lovely clutch of mine so it can come back into rotation. So there you have it, even for the Bag Snob, function comes before fashion. Leather fan clutch at Browns Fashion for $432.

UPDATE: Hi all, the Nazi swastika symbol is the same as the thousand year old symbol for peace despite those of you trying to defend this horrid bag. As for the readers accusing us of racism against Hindus and Buddhists, we are Chinese and our families are Buddhists! Like I said, this bag was made for sale in Western countries thus making it offensive and revolting. If it were for sale in a Hindu Buddhist Temple, it would be an altogether different story. Last I checked, Zara does not own boutiques in Hindu Buddhist Temples.

I have seen dozens of ugly bags in my time but none as offensive as the Zara bag with Swatsikas all over it. I don't know why the designers for the Spanish based retailer thought this would be appropriate to market to teenage girls, their main bread and butter. It was not that long ago in history that millions suffered and died under this symbol and now Zara is trying to legitimize this ultimate symbol of fascism and racism? Even more shocking is that it made its way to the 1,026 stores in 68 countries across the world! In certain Asian countries this symbol has altogether different meaning. But this bag was not made for sale at a Hindu Buddhist Temple, it was sent to shops across Europe and America, countries where this symbol does not represent peace and prosperity!

Author Linda Grant sent me the photo and article from The Daily Mail with this quote:
"Perhaps not the bag to take to the synagogue for the Day of Atonement. I do realise that the swastika predates the Nazi party as an ancient Hindu and Buddhist symbol of peace and prosperity, but in Europe and America it means fascism and genocide and it’s astonishing that nobody at Zara’s HQ in Madrid picked up on it. I hope this bag didn’t make it to Zara’s Tel Aviv store."

I hate to keep ripping on Chloe (ok, fine, I enjoy it) but why all the hideous bags? The reputation is so bad now that Tina made fun of me for not getting rid of my Paddington (I took it out and was ridiculed, how sad is that?). That is the problem with these huge designers, once they go sour it ruins the whole batch. Just please take a look at this bag and tell me any redeeming qualities it has. The green is putrid - yes we love green but not this nuclear disaster on acid green. The band of bolts and studs and stitches just makes me itch for some reason, it is all wrong and does not belong there. The body shape is just blah, you can go to any low level mall shoe store for this run of the mill satchel. In fact, that is what this looks like. But if you're crazy you can get it at Saks for $1755 to have a Chloe and then get laughed at by your best friend.

Here is a perfect example of a total waste of animal used. I look at this and feel sorry that the rabbit (or rabbits) died to be this hideous bag. Before I contradict myself and say that fur is totally useless on a bag, let me just say that in this case, it doesn't even lend to its aesthetics and in fact gives this atrocious bag an added level of heinousness. The bag has sections of fur, leather, trim and on top of all that, the fur is then quilted so there are all these spews and tufts of hair sticking out everywhere. In person, this is so over the top ostentatious but not even in a "look at how amazing I am" kind of way, it is rabbit fur for chrissake, otherwise known as the poor man's fur. It's for those who think they are causing a scene because they think they look so great when in fact people are gawking in fear and hilarity of them. While shopping, I actually saw a lady buy the ponyhair taupe/brown zebra print version of this bag. Let's just say she is one of those older ladies who decided not to age gracefully and had her face embalmed to a state of non expression. I guess if she thinks her face looks good, it is totally unreliable what she thinks a good bag would look like. And for that reason I suppose is why this bag is named, "Snap Out of It". How ironic. $2288 at Saks Fifth Avenue Bevery Hills (310.275.4211).