Recently in On The Rag Category

What is this? A watch? A clutch? A walutch? I don't mind the strap on the clutch, this new trend started by Prada is quite ingenious, it is a better way to carry a clutch. But a watch band? Nice way to ruin the beautiful alligator. It just looks so masculine and totally off, and not even in an edgy way, this is just odd and hard to look at. The clutch itself is a generic foldover so it needed something but Michael, if you want to carry a clutch, go ahead and carry a clutch, don't go infusing your fantasy in the bag design by making a bag that would somehow make it ok for a man to carry a clutch. Because this does not make it anymore wearable for a man, regardless. To make matters worse, for the alligator that is, the exotic is wasted by only making this available in lime. Available in late Spring/Summer around April or May in lifestyle stores and online, $3900.

Apparently there is no end to the barrage of atrocious bags from Louis Vuitton. But let's be fair here for a minute, I do appreciate the attempt at creativity with the LV monogram - which clearly MJ himself is sick of. And the overall design of the bags is not completely heinous (I prefer the shape of the smaller one on the right), now stick on a couple of cutsey but useless plastic buttons, stitch the monogram in yellow on top of all of Barbie's favorite colors and you have a bag totally suitable for Jemina, our very chic 7 year old God-daughter. Unfortunately the 4 figure price tag will not go over so well with her mother but her Grandmere might be persuaded. Available this Spring. Louis Vuitton available online at eLUXURY.com

Chloe came out with the wrap skirt of bags. Not brilliant, kinda original but certainly not functional. The flap unhooks so that you can have it flapping around for what purpose I cannot think of. Wrap skirts are flattering, I just don't know how it translates on a bag. It is not even a big bag because if it were I could see the value of having a giant bag look slimmer so that you get the roominess of a big bag without it looking disproportionate to your slight figure (as in Mary Kate Olsen). So let's say the wrap look is somehow a good thing aesthetically, I still don't see why it needs to unhook and flap around because it doesn't come off completely. If it did I could see that being really practical. Like if I just need to run in somewhere quickly and need to carry just my wallet and keys, it would be a great feature to have. So they didn't even think this through all the way. I mean, how hard would it have been for them to make the other side come off as well? I kinda like the thick braid on the handle even though it reminds me of lanyard. At Saks Fifth Avenue for $1560.

UPDATE: I saw this bag last week, I knew the straps are for design/aesthetic purposes only (not meant to be functional) and was being cheeky about the baby bjorn comment because that is what it looks like. As for the pushlock magnetic closures- makes it a bit better but I am still not into this bag. There are too many great bags out there to settle for mediocrity (like YSL's Spring line). I have a Marc Jacobs Venetia in crocodile and it is probably the last MJ bag I will splurge on, the bags have not been the same since Joy Gryson left as head of his creative team. I really did not want to do another mean story about a Marc Jacobs bag since Kelly already ragged on him the other day but I can not make sense out of this bag. The Quilted Mary is exactly like all the other MJ quilted bags but with added double straps. You know, so you can carry this thing around like a Baby Bjorn and pretend it's your baby. That is if you want to have a papaya colored baby with heavy brass chains. The color actually does not bother me, I quite like the fruity tooty shades designers are pushing for Spring and the bag is not hideous, it's just annoying and impractical. So let's say you are not insane and would not pretend this is a baby and would actually use it as a bag- you'd end up beating it against concrete the first time you try to reach in to grab your cell phone. Why? Because that would mean you'd have to put the bag down, unlock BOTH pushlock closures, lift straps/flap and by then the call would have been dropped. Now, repeat that scenario every single time your cell phone rings and you get the picture don't you?

 Marc Jacobs Handbags at eLUXURY.com- $1,095

Paris has been around the block so much that she has learned to bring along her own "casting couch". I don't even want to know what she's got in there. But she is going to need it now that her show got canceled. According to her, she didn't think people would want to see a pregnant woman on TV. Well, I didn't think people would want to see a dumb blond with flamingo legs teeter around on a farm. This bag called "Lady of the Manor" is from Hunting Season ($1595, available by order through their website). So I guess I was wrong about the bag, they had a madame in mind when designing the bag. Sorry, my mistake.

This suitcase just brings to mind so many imageries, like certain celebutantes strolling into jail or re-hab with this appropriately somber yet fashionably branded accessory. I think I do know where the inspiration for Marc Jacobs came from though. Or maybe it is an attempt to be patriotic and show support of our troops overseas. If it is, it is actually extremely offensive to make light of what is going on around the world by going on some meaningless trip while mimicking our military personnel. Like it is so cool to be going off to war. Not to mention that this thing is hideous and depressing. Does anyone ever make an effort to be drab? I really don't understand the meaning behind this or who would want to have this. Marc by Marc Jacobs Standard Supply Wheely $378.

I am not crazy about the generic shape of this bag but the color, oh boy!! Absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE this color! It is shouting "Hello Sun and Fun!!! See you later summer hater!!!". A few things I should mention before you rush out to buy. This bag is giant and the way it hangs off the handles is awkward. I also find the half moon front zipper pocket to be oddly placed and somehow just makes the bag look like it's trying too hard to be fashionable in a Coach kind of way. But if you can get over all that, you will have a great bag for Spring and Summer! The back of the bag is totally plain so you can just carry it that way. It won't be recognizable as a Chloe but that name no longer has the cache it once had so, whatever. Let me get back to this delectable turquoise, it is soft and happy and actually quite easy to wear. I have a bright turquoise Birkin that I hesitated getting at first because even though the color is the most amazing thing on earth, I thought it would be hard to wear. Not true, oh no, not true at all. Anything neutral or contrasting sets it off and makes the bag the highlight of my outfit (as it should!). I have a few dresses with a hint of turquoise in the print or woven in the fabric that bring out the beauty of the color. Anyway you wear it, the bag will make you spectacular. And that's how I see this bag. I might wait because I'm sure this color will be strong in their collection and there might be a more acceptable bag (if so I might be getting back in the Chloe market). At
Net a Porter
for $1405.

Obviously there is no designer that is above our wrath, not even our beloved Lanvin. I think Alber Elbaz called in sick the day this bag was designed. Does this not look like a Harlequin bra? What the hell is going on with the blatant mammary influence? It even has fancy bra straps for the underwear as outwear look. You better make sure you fill out this bag and be careful to balance your stuff evenly on either side. You wouldn't want deflated, saggy, lopsided, grandma boobs. If need be, stuff it with the tissue paper it comes with, I always use it to keep the shape of my bags (but for different reasons, of course). Well, at least it's suede and not satin, how embarrassing would that be? I know there are bags in shapes of all kinds of things like animals, buildings, boats, food, etc. but those are just aesthetically offensive, this is socially offensive (as well as aesthetically of course). I mean how can you seriously walk around with this thing without teenage boys cackling and giggling? This is obscene and is an atrocity to fashion and civil order alike. Suede Evening Bag $1545.

What is up with all these puffy ski parka bags? As if bulk is what I need more of when it comes to what I am carrying around all day. And does it keep you warm? Cuz my wallet and phone certainly have never complained about inclement weather. It not only makes no sense, it is downright U-G-L-Y!!! It is the most unflattering bag you can possibly wear, I mean, it's pretty ridiculous when your bag is making you look fat. Hello, I have plenty of things that make me look fat and my bags are the only things I have to rely on to take the focus away from my not-as-flat-as-it-was-when-I-was-23 tummy. The Moncler bag is really really giant and really really puffy and overstuffed! The interior still has plenty of room for your stuff but that actually makes thing worse, imagine what this looks like all filled up??!! That is absolutely ludicrous and beyond irrational for a bag design. It is leather which adds injury to insult because it is the reason for the $1125 price tag (at Browns Fashion). The Prada nylon puffer is slightly more streamlined but it is still unbelievable puffy, hard to wear and just plain stupid. The nylon is "crispy" which means it is stiffer than normal nylon and makes a lot of noise as it swishes around at your side. The only redeeming quality is that the aquamarine is pleasant, not that that makes a difference for this bag though. $760 at Bergdorf Goodman.

Chloe has been the target of our foul moods lately but how can you feel sorry for them when bags like this keep showing up? We are even getting emails from people persuading us to rip on some of Chloe's undesirables. This Beata bag reminds me of that box the army carries around to put their super walkie talkie phones in. I should have done this for Veteran's Day, it would have been fitting. I don't even know where to start with this bag, the shape is like I said, a box and that giant tab is odd and distracting. Distressed patent is always a bad thing but this looks like it just rolled out of bed after sleeping in the dryer. It makes the seams look all puckered, which I'm sure they're not because at least we can still believe their quality hasn't suffered, just their designs. I hate this bag so much, it really angers me that something like this can be passed off as "luxury designer" goods as if went through some sort of rigorous design process. Puuuuuulease!! Stay away from Chloe girls, even if they have some acceptable bags, stuff like this drags their whole line down. At Net a Porter for $1740.